grief

A little less like “me”- A shift in perspective

We have this tendency in life to see who we are, our character, as set in stone. Like some unchangeable concept of individuality. Over the past 2 years I have become less like ‘me’ than I have ever felt. That is, less like the me I had always fought for. The me I felt like I had to be. On the other hand, I am more like me than I have ever really been. I am at peace, calmed by my own company. To find this through grief is some sort of oxymoronic joke played by the Universe.

There are fundamentals of identity, of what makes us who we are.

I have always been the head strong, grab life by the balls, all or nothing, heart on my sleeve, adventurer that I continue to be.

However, up until my mum’s death these fundamentals were veiled in a closed minded, spiteful, venom tongue of victimization and defense. I approached the world knowing that I had to protect myself at all costs from whoever or whatever I would encounter. I held views, it seems so now, just for the sake of holding them. Of having something to fight for. Like I was the only person I could ever rely on.

I come from a family history of depression. Looking back, I can see my young self as the strongest. Constantly holding everyone up and fighting for who we were. This fight became toxic, self righteous, like I had to find something to hang on to when life was crumbling around me. I barely recognize that person now. I look back almost ashamed at how I viewed the world. How I interacted with the world always ensuring that I was the number one most important thing in existence.

The shift in my perspective since losing my mum has been so huge that I am unrecognizable. To me, anyway. Losing my mum has taught me to look at every single little thing in my life in an entirely different way. I have shifted from a very individualistic view point to more of a “if I die tomorrow how do I want to say I have effected the world?” perspective.

Her death taught me that life is fleeting. As a child I would always ask my mum “You won’t ever die will you?” (Only the universe knows why this was on my mind, and makes the rest of my childhood make a little more sense). She would always reply that she couldn’t promise but it would be a long long way away. Never ever ever did any of us imagine that she would be gone before she turned 55. Never did I imagine facing life, marriage and possible children without her.

She was always a given, a concrete constant. Until she wasn’t.

In my journey through grief I have found a compassion for life and the world that I thought other people had faked. Like, no one is really that calm in life. And obviously, I’m not a super calm person but I have stopped stressing, crying, and fighting over situations I really have no control over. I used to always find something worth fighting for. Now, what really is worth fighting for? I don’t mean let go of everything. I mean fighting and the emotions it entails, anger, hate, yelling, anxiety and toxicity. All this does is feed more bad energy into an already suffering world.

So I made a conscious effort to stop.

To stop bitching, stop yelling, stop allowing anger to be a feeling that consumes me. I’m human of course. Shit pisses me off and I vent. But I try to limit it a 5 minute get it off your chest kind of thing. Rather than the endless drawl of someone consumed by misery.

I have read books. Anyone who has ever suffered any internal strife will probably have found solace in books. Books about the universe, buddhism, law of attraction, affirmations and non-attachment. Non-attachment has had the biggest impact on me. First, it sound ludicrous, accept things for what they are and let them go. It sounded impossible but I tried anyway. Allowing situations to happen, allowing myself to feel the feelings then choosing “better feeling thoughts” (<<<  Abraham Hicks, possibly the greatest piece of advise that has ever found me) . This practice has allowed me to stop stewing in hate and anger and resentment (for the most part). It has allowed me to lower the level of anxiety about situations I had created in my mind.

I seek those who are calm, level-headed, open and kind.

We live in such a broken world, that calm has become synonymous with weak. That to be kind, you must be a pushover.  To me kindness, is accepting a situation for exactly what it is. Not what you thought it might be, or will be in the future. It is ensuring you find the most fair path through adversity. It is choosing words of kindness, over words of anger. It is deciding where you energy is best spent.

And often, for me, it is choosing to just let it go.

I would rather get a less great deal than be faced with anger and hate and bad energies. So I have learned to just not fight for many things. The only thing of value we have in our lives is time. So choose to spend it with those that you love. Choose to spend it allowing positive energy to flow. Allow very few negative situations to sap the energy from you.

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