I have always felt like I was in some way connected to a higher power. Connected to something much bigger than myself. Something that was powerful and creative and all knowing. Which is a really weird thing to think about now. Looking back on my childhood self I can see why I felt so awkward. I always had this knowledge inside me. I have always felt much wiser than my years in some ways, and naively optimistic in others. This combination on optimism and truth made for an interesting life thus far.
I have been battling with following my heart and my truth. While simultaneously trying to fit in the “normal” box that my society has dealt me.
This has transpired in to many periods of wildness juxtaposed quite closely with attempted normality. Trying to be normal and feeling all the feelings is not quite conducive to a stable environment I have learned. There has always beens this spiritual battle. To try to understand what I was feeling and why I was feeling it.
It goes back to being a small child. I attended church with my mother often. As I’ve mentioned before, this was not for my spirituality or because I felt I should. It was more because of the art and crafts and the strong connection to my mum. Even so, I still was searching for a box for this spirituality of mine to live in. I was in an environment of spirit and talks of a higher power but it never made sense to me. Like all of the pieces to explain my spirituality existed in a church but they never made it into the correct order to form a circuit. To make the lightbulb glow. A switch was always flipped, a wire mis-connected. The lightbulb never turned on for me.
I have always felt guided by something bigger. Like, I was born with an innate understanding of how the universe works (at least this is how I see it now). That made religion difficult for me. I was in a community of people who believed largely how I felt about the universe, yet their God was such a humanistic concept. It did not seem right. Other children my age would speak words that they had heard, that they were expected to say. Those words would never make it out of my mouth. They seemed dishonest, deceitful even.
Because even as a small child I knew that those words, of Christianity, were not my truth. My brain comprehended but my soul could not compute.
My search for spirituality lasted until my early twenties. Through high school and university I attempted to take my essence of spirit and stuff it into the misshapen box of Christianity. It never worked. But in society this is all we really know. Spirituality is for organized religion only. And then there are the crazy crystal witch ladies.
Just so turns out that I actually fall in the latter category.
I do not own and crystals nor partake in any witch-associated activities (that I am aware of anyway). I have found my place in the laws of the universe. I write in gratitude to the Universe. I seek guidance from the Source energy of all that is. I have found the basic premise of my spirituality and christianity is roughly linear. Yet when I turn to the Universe, when I think of the Universe, there is no human. There is no us or them. No wrong or right. There is no judgement. There is only energy. There is only love or fear.
I have found my meaning, my understanding of self, in the universal laws. In astrology and ancient practices. This understanding has allowed an acceptance in my life that I have never truly felt. It has taken years of intuitive searching, accidental discoveries and
And for the first time in my life I can claim that I am truly happy.