Today, I did something really brave. My word for 2019 is brave. One of the ways I have been trying to be brave is to follow my intuitions each and every time I have them. So today I did just that. I felt compelled to reach out to my dad and discuss all the things that have come up in my personal journey and growth.
I have become very aware that a lot of my limiting beliefs stem from my childhood.
And many of these are connected to my relationships with my parents. I have worked through some connected to my Mum in a very spiritual, energy focused way. As she is not physically here for me to have the conversations with. I also know, and feel, she is still around. My Dad however is and I feel the next step in my journey through grief and gratitude to healing involves digging up some real serious dirt.
While analysing the relationships I have co-created throughout my adult life, I have come across the same stumbling blocks. Unworthiness, not prioritized and emotionally isolated. Each and every romantic relationship ended in the same way. Each and every time.
When I finally made the connection I knew it was time.
I love my Dad. These days we are the very best of friends but it has not always been that way. So today, in the essence of being brave I send him a message to let him know that there are some things that I really need to talk to him about.
However, I’ve never been very good at articulating myself, especially in emotional situations (something I’m also working on), so I asked him if I could write out a long letter, he could read it and then at a convenient time we could discuss the things I had said. He agreed. I’m not sure he really knew what I was talking about but he agreed.
So, I started writing. Typing and crying. Total word vomit from the deep depths of my heart. From 6, 11 and 17 year old Rachael. What happened, how it made me feel and the pattern I have found manifesting in my relationships as an adult.
Now, I’m going to give him some time to read it and mull it over. I don’t know what my expected outcome of all of this is. I want to talk about it. I don’t really know what I want him to say…
But as the tears streamed down my face, as I finally put in to words emotions that had just been existing inside my body, I felt lighter.
I felt as though just sharing how I felt made me feel better. Putting reason behind those messy years we shared together. Maybe I want to hear his side of the story, maybe I just needed to say my piece. I realized as I was typing that we never truly share our stories with our parents. They are the most transformative people in our lives but it is never expected or encouraged to truly analyze that time together.