… to really know me.
This weekend, spent mostly splayed out on the couch with coffee and diet coke in equal measure, I watched a Persia Lawson video. She’s a super sassy British ‘Love Coach’ who talked of vulnerability. Having recently listened to Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly, vulnerability is a word I have heard often. And feel I am truly coming to embrace in my life.
Part of starting this blog was about being vulnerable, laying my shit out for the world to see in the hope that someone needs to hear the exact words that my hands need to type. Vulnerability and bravery go hand in hand. Brave enough to let your crazy fly. I have had some of the most beautiful conversations with people who have read my writing. Proof in my life that vulnerability is contagious and encourages others to share with you too. Persia suggests amping up the connections in your life by having the conversation that begins with the title of this blog.
So I thought, now that’s inspiration to write. So here it is.
This is what you need to know about me to really know me.
You need to know that I lost my Mum. 2 years ago. That the grief carved a deep, deep valley in my life. A gorge whose edges soften with time but whose vast space will never be filled. You need to know that she was my best friend. More importantly, you need to know that we were so emotionally and spiritually intertwined that I’m still figuring out how to exist without her.
You need to know that I’m a runner.
I run from my problems. Sometimes physically. I have run across the country and the world trying to avoid my problems. A change of environment sometimes helps, but the demons always catch me. Other times, I bury myself so deep in other projects, work, the gym, drink… I engross myself in something so deeply that my problems can’t find me. But they do.
You need to know that my split reaction is to blame others for my problems. That if I can blame you the pain on me is that much lighter. But it still fucking hurts.
You need to know that I’m not afraid of death, of the end, whatever that looks like.
That I do not believe in heaven and hell. I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation but I don’t disbelieve it either.
You need to know that I have the deepest gratitude for each and every breath I take. But you also need to know that carrying my demons is exhausting. We dance through life together. Each day a tight rope above a slippery slope that I know oh so well. You need to know that I have a very good grasp on the state of my mental health but somedays I yearn for the demons to be gone for good.
You need to know that I’ve never actively attempted suicide but I, sure as shit, have put myself in as many dangerous situations as I could create. In the hope that someone else would take the pain away for me. You need to know that I have trigger behaviours. And that I notice them and swiftly take actions. You need to know that they fucking terrifying me too.
You need to know that I love a good drink.
Sometimes too much. You also need to know that there have been nights where I have laid wide awake staring at the ceiling after an entire bottle of spirits in the effort to just sleep. You need to know that this has taught me to love sleep. I have a bed time and I will stick to my bed time. There have been times where it felt I went months without properly sleeping. I know the insanity that will ensue.
I need 8 hours and additional naps too.
You need to know that I am a wanderer. I have a fire in my belly for things that are new and exciting. I need to experience these things to feel whole. Home is no longer a place for me. My heart is scattered amongst those I love across many countries.
You need to know that quality time is my love language.
I feel love by being around my people. Nothing fills my heart more than deep conversations about the big things, long walks, cold beers , slow drives, and days on the beach. On the flip side, you need to know that words cut me so deeply that I cannot count all the scars they have left. You need to know that I think deeply before I say any words to ensure they are the correct ones. I say “I don’t have the words right now”. This means, I have all the feelings and need to make sure the vocabulary I use is a 100% accurate representation of my feelings.
You need to know that I am a recovering mean girl.
That I am, somedays, ashamed of the things I have believed, said and agreed to that I feel like I do not want to face the world. That I treated others and the environment with such disregard that it breaks my heart. And you need to know that if I could go back and fix it all I would.
You need to know that I suffer with an inner feeling of unworthiness. And it is this belief that causes me to sabotage, quit or give up.
You need to know that my greatest aim for this life is to be kind.
Kind to myself and kind to others. It is only kindness that will allow for the type of connections we need to fix what we have broken on this Earth. You need to know that kindness and strength co-exist.
You need to know that I have found this kindness only through deep grief and heartbreak.
I need you to know that I am proud to still be standing here every day. For traveling the world, for following my heart and for the love I have given.
Mostly, you need to know that I am working every day to combat each of these negative behaviours. You need to know that I am not a passive energy allowing life to happen to me.
I am a creator and a manifestor and I will chase the life of my dreams if it kills me.
P.S. You also need to know that my dogs are cute AF. That they cannot do anything wrong. Don’t try me.